faking it

well here i am. it's 2:13 in the morning on wednesday night / thursday morning and i am supposed to be at work in, oh, 6 hours or so. but i don't want to sleep. my ears are ringing from the mediocre show my band just played-- yes, it was a midnight, mid-week show, but it is still disheartening to have only two friends, the opening band, and the bartender remain at the end of your set. plus how the hell did our drummer drop his sticks at least once a song? the world may never know.

as our second drummer (we're on drummer #3, bassist #2) announced his resignation, he recounted the following about playing the second night of a two-night stint of three-hour sets at a converted church / hell's angels bar in salem, nh:

"you know it's a bad sign when you're playing and all you can think of doing is spackling your bathroom."

for a while after he said that, I thought 'damn, good thing he's leaving the band... what an old, crotchety jerk for having said something like that!' what could be more fun than having some beers and playing rock n' roll with your four best friends? i remember when i auditioned for a band before i ended up in focusin, i was literally bouncing around the room. i couldn't contain myself when i played music- it would come out of my in an unbridled burst of energy, causing me to jump all over the stage, knock down mic stands, and make the rest of my band look even more sedentary. as things went on, i learned to curtail my kinetic energy... but also the thrill of playing out started to wane. it just started to become mundane.

there is definitely something to be said about feeding off a crowd's energy. a month or so ago- at our CD release shows in Boston and NY- we played for two nights in a row to packed houses. it was FANTASTIC. the crowds were into it-- and the more people that get into it, well, the more unashamed people are of showing that they're really 'into it'. We all fed off this energy and made them possibly the two best shows we've played. then... two weeks ago was our knights of columbus baptism, and tonight we had this utter display of mediocrity to a small handful of people who seemed more interested in watching Fox (I mean, our set's time slot conflicted with Seinfeld, The Simpsons, The Drew Carrey Show, and Malcolm In The Middle- I would have been glued to the tube!). and as i was up there, going through the motions (lean a little back and put my left foot up on a monitor for a solo, do my hop during 'Bridge' and that part of 'New Drug'), I couldn't help but feel like a jaded porn star.

I'm a little worried. I've re-set the trajectory in my life towards a life that will professionally revolve (in some capacity, at least) around music. Will this kill the magic for me? Will I pop in the next American Idiot or By The Way for the first time and be nearly brought to tears by just how hard the music hits me? Or will those moments become just another chore for me?

damnit, it's 2:34 and I smell like crap. I really want to watch this Star Wars: Episode II DVD I just borrowed from glen and maybe drink some of that Chivas that Winnie bought the other week... but that would be irresponsible. just like me making a blog entry at 2:36 am. crap. i don't even have the energy to proofread this. oh well, here goes nothing.