musical polygamy

A frequent topic of conversation between my friend jon (who's in NY) and myself (who salivates at the prospect of being in NY... and steak) is how difficult it can be to be in a band.

I've often compared being in a band to having 4 girlfriends (without the sex¹). Schedules have to be bent or completely reworked, sometimes eggshells have to be walked on, and at least once- no foolin'- there was an issue between two members of my band who were both planning on wearing paisley shirts at the same show. This can make maintaining a relationship with a proper girlfriend (the kind with the sex²) quite a balancing act.³

Bandmates can be enumerated in ways not dissimilar to some rejected dwarves from Snow White⁴... there's Moody, who on any given day could think the band is the greatest thing that's ever happened or the worst crime against humanity; there's Flaky, who will nail his parts one practice and completely forget everything he played (and his cymbals) at the next gig; there's Underage, the virtuoso who just so happens to be 12 years younger than two of the band members; there's the Frontman with Guitarist syndrome (he'd rather be playing guitar); and then there's me, your humble narrator, who could be looked at as The Great Deficit of Attention... or maybe the Guitarist with Frontman syndrome, who, just like the Frontman, sometimes forgets his role in the great scheme of things. I just realized I lost the Dwarves allegory after Flaky.⁵

Cut to last night. We have a gig coming up this Wednesday-- we just found out that, since the promoter for the gig failed to land a third band for the lineup, we have an abnormally long⁶ set to play. We can pull off 45 minutes and maybe even an hour no problem- we can play the material from the CD (have I convinced you to buy it yet?) backwards and forwards, throw in a cover or two and that song we so idiotically left off the CD, and that's a good set. But the promoter informed us that we have to fill 105 minutes this Wednesday. Eek. Add that with the fact that we really haven't been practicing all that much, and when we do practice, it's to brush up on our existing 45-to-60 minute set and maybe to write new material. So it would seem that we needed a practice last night, eh?⁷

Problem 1: Flaky calls a few days before and says he has to work Sunday night. He tells me he'll be there sometime between 8:30 and 9; tells Frontman 9:30; and tells Moody something like 8. He said he checked with Underage, who, since he's in college, went home after exams were over. Flaky says Underage will be there Sunday.

Moody and I get to the practice space and notice Flaky's drums aren't even set up (okay, guess the Dwarves gig is up). A call is placed to Flaky:
Me: "Hey, man, any ETA?"
Flaky: "Yeah, I should be there like I said, around 9:30"
Me: "9:30?!" (Moody groans)
Flaky: "Oh, I mean... 9. Or so."
Me: "O...k... and you spoke with Junior⁸ and he's cool?"
Flaky: "Yeah, I did... wait, crap, did I call Junior?"

Gle- er... Moody and I realize that practice wasn't gonna start until close to 10- our drummer has a million piece drum set that takes forever to set up (and he gets really pissed if you try to rush him). Moody & I have work Monday and we thought it would be incredibly rude to start practice at 10pm on a sunday night in the basement of a house that has zero acoustical isolation and maybe 8 people living in it. We make an executive decision to cancel practice.

Moody: "I can't wait for this band to be over."

Owch. But ya know... this is by far not the first time something like this has happened, and there's a very good chance that it won't be the last.

I guess my point of this incredibly long, disjointed⁹ tale is that when you're in a band, just like if you're in any semi-organized group of people (sports teams, missile engineers...), you've gotta worry about a handful of completely different lives from yours, and you start to fear the wrath of those whose schedules you disrupt when you decide to take matters into your own hands. And, just like a sports team-- if you don't practice, you're gonna suck. And, if the singer cancels band practice at 6pm on a Sunday night because he doesn't feel like going when your girlfriend's been hounding on you all day to cancel it because she wants to stay home and drink beer and get Boston Market and watch The Simpsons together but you know you can't because that would be inconsiderate to the other guys, then your singer's a jerk.


1. obviously there are exceptions... fleetwood mac, the mamas and the papas, the white stripes, the village people... but work with me here.
2. apologies to the catholic church... ha! just kidding, i'm not apologizing for nothin. tonight... at the pit... everyone gets laid!
3. i was inspired to include these annoying footnotes by that lobster article i linked to the other week... but just as a sidenote, a working title for our album was Friends With Benefits (two rejected covers here and here) until a coworker pointed out that such a title would imply a friends-with-benefits-style relationship existed between my bandmates, which isn't exactly the image we want to convey.
4. I debated for a while on whether I should include this part, especially since it's pretty damn obvious who is whom... and I don't think I've told my bandmates about this blog yet. But I'm sure they won't mind me having a little fun here. Hey, I paid for the 1,000 fucking CDs.
5. Over the course of the band's existence, there was also Rational, Married, and Cokehead-y, but I'll save their character defamation for a future entry.
6. like me
7. maybe now would be a good time to point out that we practice tuesdays and sundays... or at least try to. part of the difficulty of being in a band w/ 4 other dudes is that you have to coordinate schedules.
8. Yeah, we actually call Underage "Junior".
9. Thanks to my really annoying use of footnotes!