the art of grifting

"good afternoon, ladies and gentlemen!"

there are apparently rules to follow to get your fellow subway riders' attention, and this is the opening phrase. as soon as this phrase is spoken, a palpable sense of uneasiness fills the subway car as you and your fellow riders are wondering- just what does this person want from me?

the ensuing speech usually follows a standard form. the speaker quickly identifies him or herself, explains his or her cause, and whether they are asking for your money or for you to consider accepting jebus, it always ends with a 'thank you, and God bless!'

I've heard quite a few of these speeches in my one month of daily subway riding in new york. Some of the stories are pretty rough- there was the AIDS patient who had lost control of his bowels and had to wear adult diapers (he wanted money for his medication) and there were two sisters, maybe ages 12 and 8 and with no parents in sight, selling candy bars to raise money for their cheerleading team. there are the singer / songwriters, whom i usually feel like i should give money to but rarely end up doing so. i saw one guy selling a book of poetry he had written- i actually thought that was pretty cool, but I wasn't feeling very social and didn't want to have to talk to him about his book, and he was perfectly fine selling his book to the cute-ish girls sitting next to me and explaining the poems to them.

i've seen some people trying to sell the rest of the train on the whole jebus* thing, too. my apologies to the evangelists among you (what the fuck are you doing reading my blog? i thought you didn't believe in the internet... and gravity) but... man, those people really get to me. maybe it's part of the whole Jewish ethos of non-evangelism-- correct me if i'm wrong, but from what I know, we don't ask you to become one of us (hell, I'm sure a Chasid would take issue with me even calling myself a Jew)-- in fact, if you want to convert, you have to ask a rabbi three times before he'll 'let you in'. (Sorry for giving out our Big Secret, fellas). well, this morning a fat white guy with a white-haired beard gave his rendition of the Great Subway Speech:

"Good Morning, ladies and gentlemen! I'm not here to panhandle you or try to sell you bagels or candy, I just want to tell you good morning from Jesus Christ, the real Jesus Christ- I'm not a Mormon or a Jehova's Witness!"

At that moment he looked around either to see if people were saying "PRAISE THE LAWD!!!!" and falling on the floor or to see if there were any Mormons or Jehova's Witnii who were ready to take up arms with him. I kinda feel like he threw the bagel thing in there to make a swipe at Jews, but that's just my standard-issue persecution complex taking over. I did make eye contact with a few people who were rolling their eyes at the guy. Keep your evangelism outta my morning commute, jerkass.

Anyhow, Maybe the Great Subway Speech is to grifters and streetside evangelists what The Aristocrats is to comedians. Anyone have any ideas for mine?